


Animal Crackers

by carolej126, SueN, TeriH



Category: The Magnificent Seven (TV)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 05:34:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18614170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolej126/pseuds/carolej126, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SueN/pseuds/SueN, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeriH/pseuds/TeriH
Summary: Originally published in Let's Ride #20 (Neon RainBow Press, 2016).Written in response to a VinList "What's Next?" challenge by the Mod Squad (otherwise known as Carole, Sue, and Teri).Just another normal day for the Magnificent Seven... Or Not.





	Animal Crackers

“Forty days and forty nights,” Josiah quoted, to no one in particular, as he looked across the rain drenched meadow.

"Well, that's a mighty cheery thought," Buck grumbled, reaching for his boots. Sliding them off, one after the other, he carefully placed them on a relatively dry spot and waded out, into the water that quickly reached up to his knees. It was a fool's mission yet here he was in the muck attempting to rescue not a sensible animal like a horse, or a dog, or even a calf, but a lowly chicken. 

"Please save Mrs. Doodles," Amanda Beauford had cried, the six year old looking up at the two men with a pleading expression and puppy dog eyes that reminded them of JD. 

"Come on, Josiah, I ain't plannin' to do this alone," Buck lamented as he moved cautiously toward the bird perched quite contently, in his opinion, on the partially submerged coop. 

"They also serve who only stand and wait," Josiah rumbled, barely holding back a smile as he watched Buck's progress. 

"Five dollars says this does not end well," Ezra stated as he and Vin arrived in time to see Buck reach for the skittish hen only to come away with a handful of feathers. 

Huffing in annoyance, and aiming a glare at his obviously amused audience, Buck reached for Mrs. Doodles again, only to lose his balance as the chicken danced away, leaving him windmilling his arms in an attempt to keep from landing in the water. 

"Best move slowly so ya don't scare the poor thing," Vin advised, trying to keep a straight face as he crossed his arms and leaned casually against a nearby post. 

"Poor thing?" Buck repeated sarcastically, raising his hands in disbelief, totally oblivious to the white feathers clinging to his clothes, hair, and finely groomed moustache. 

"It may help you to look more favourably on the unfortunate fowl if you were to remember that young Miss Beauford has an older sister, whom I believe you have been attempting to impress for some time," Ezra offered helpfully, brushing an imaginary speck of lint from his hat. 

"Ah hell," Buck mumbled under his breath, so as not to offend the young lady watching his progress, then turned back toward the hen who was eyeing him reproachfully. In fact, Buck thought, that look he was currently receiving from Mrs. Doodles reminded him way too much of one of Larabee's glares, and he couldn't help but think that one more attempt at securing the hen just might result in his losing a very important part of his body: his hand. 

Buck eased forward while not looking directly at the agitated fowl, in an attempt to not telegraph his intent, when something underneath the murky surface of the water first brushed against and then wrapped around his leg. 

Buck froze, all thoughts of Mrs. Doodles and his audience forgotten as his eyes widened and his mouth formed a silent "Oh," of surprise and revulsion. He had no idea what it was - couldn't really even see it clearly enough to make it out due to the condition of the water - or what it wanted, but the slimy feeling against his bare skin was enough to make him want to squeal. Yes, squeal like a little girl but he refused to react in such an undignified manner while under the scrutiny of his friends. 

"What exactly are you doing, Mr. Wilmington?" Ezra asked, "Waiting for a more opportune moment, or perhaps taking advantage of your famed "animal magnetism" to attract the little varmint?" 

"There's something in the water," Buck hissed, and Vin's amused grin widened as he spotted a familiar black clad figure striding their way, an impatient look on his face and a warning glint in his eyes. "There's something in here," the ladies' man tried again, taking a quick step toward his friends, ignoring the grins, chuckles, cackling (from Mrs. Doodles), and glare that accompanied his words, hoping to free his leg before whatever it was decided to act in a more threatening manner. 

The unknown 'thing' seemed to wrap tighter and deciding it was now or never Buck dove for the safety of his friends, landing with a splash.

Stopping abruptly in his tracks, Chris looked down at his mud covered pants, a look of disbelief on his face, and a not-so-polite word on his lips. 

"Mind your language, Cowboy, there's a lady present," Vin warned, as Buck struggled to his feet and Mrs. Doodles chose that very moment to flutter, somewhat gracelessly, from her perch on the coop, landing with a loud squawk on Chris's hat. 

"Mrs. Doodles,” Amanda Beauford cried, reaching for the precariously perched fowl. 

Still several feet from what would only be considered relatively dry ground by an optimist, Buck tried to move forward, only to realize that the thing, whatever it was, was still entangled with his leg, and flatly refusing to let go. 

"Hey, fellas," JD called loudly, squelching and slipping his way across the meadow to join his friends, "why's Chris got a chicken on his head?" 

"He's helpin' it cross the road," Vin rasped with a smirk. 

"Ha, that's a good one, Vin!" JD laughed, "did you hear the one about the chicken who couldn't find her eggs?" Oblivious to the groans that filled the air, JD only waited for a few seconds before blurting out, "she mislaid them!" 

"I could use a little help here," Buck huffed, in an attempt to draw attention back to his predicament before JD could think up another chicken joke. 

“A little help with what?” Nathan asked, suddenly appearing out of the blue, medical bag in hand and a worried expression on his face. "And what are you doing out of bed," he added, turning his attention to the chicken-adorned Larabee, "I thought I told you to stay put 'til that leg was completely healed." 

Chris's reply was, thankfully for Amanda Beauford's innocence, muffled by an indignant squawk from Mrs. Doodles, as her young owner tried once again to retrieve her from her perch, eliciting a frantic fluttering of wings from the chicken and a ripple of barely contained amusement from the gathered audience. 

“What do you mean ‘a little help with what?’” Buck asked indignantly, aiming a Larabee-quality scowl at his still-trapped leg, and finally getting a close look at the underwater troublemaker: a harmless weed. 

With as much dignity as he could manage, Buck pulled his leg free, no longer fearful of being bitten, or dragged beneath the surface to a watery grave and if the truth were known, feeling more than a mite embarrassed. 

“Did it git’cha, Bucklin?” Vin asked, pointing at the plant now floating innocently on the surface of the water, his eyes twinkling, “Do ya need Nathan here to brew ya some a’ his healin’ tea?" 

"Speakin' of tea," Nathan began hotly, taking a deep breath, only to stop, do a double take, and stare at Mrs. Doodles, who was not only perilously balanced on Larabee's hat, but cackling in a manner that only could have been intended to convey her displeasure. 

Shifting his gaze from the chicken, to the glaring green eyes beneath the squashed black hat; to Buck, bootless and soaking wet - pretty much from head to toe; and finally, to the amused grins and smirks of their 'friends', the healer could only shake his head and reflect that these fools and their antics were enough to try the patience of a saint. 

Meanwhile as Ezra pocketed his newly acquired five dollars, young Amanda Beauford moved to stand directly in front of Chris, arms crossed as she tapped her foot and scowled at the chicken adorned gunslinger. “Mrs. Doodles b‘longs to me,” she said, a hint of frustration – and perhaps even tears - in her voice, “so you give her back to me right now." 

"Allow me, Ms. Beauford," Ezra drawled, stepping forward with a disarming smile and, much to everyone's surprise, retrieving the suddenly acquiescent chicken from its perch and returning it to the waiting arms of its young owner. 

"Did the mean men scare you?" Amanda cooed to her pet as she walked away casting a wary glance over her shoulder. 

“Well now don’t that beat all?” Buck muttered, preparing to expound on the ungratefulness of today’s youth, when without warning the Potter boy’s scraggly mutt, Buffalo, ran up and began tugging on his sleeve. 

"What's the matter, boy," Buck asked, "did somebody fall in the well?” Ignoring the puzzled looks aimed in his direction from everyone but Josiah, Buck reached down to pet the friendly pooch. 

"First a chicken and now a dog," JD said with a smile, "I think I finally understand this _animal magnetism_ you are always bragging about." 

Shaking his head, Chris made a useless attempt to brush the slowly drying mud from his pants, and then removed his hat from his head, only to find, to his displeasure, there on the brim, a gift from Mrs. Doodles: chicken poo. 

Five of the peacekeepers did their level best not to so much as smile at their unofficial leaders plight, while one brave soul, Vin, became the recipient of the full brunt of the Larabee ire. "Don't make me shoot you, Tanner," he growled softly, though the glare aimed at the grinning tracker spoke far louder than his words. 

"Thinkin' we best see what Buffalo there wants," Vin nodded to where the dog now pulled at Buck's pant leg, "'for he yanks Bucklin off his feet.” 

“He’s sure wound up about something,” JD said, watching the agitated animal for a moment before turning and asking, “Hey, aren’t you the one that speaks ‘dog’, Josiah?" 

"No, I have noted that 'God' is 'dog' spelled backward, which is something to contemplate, however at this point I think it best we listen and follow wherever it is that God's creature would have us go.” 

“Chris here ain’t gonna make it too far with that leg of his,” Nathan commented dourly, only to pause, smile, and add, “’less he wants to travel by wagon, that is.” 

"Here ya go, Cowboy," Vin grabbed the handles of a nearby wheelbarrow, which had been last used to move heaven knew what but by the odor the men could hazard a guess, "yer chariot awaits.” 

Chris’s hand rested ever-so-briefly above his gun, his eyes narrowed, before he huffed, and muttered to himself, with only three words clearly audible to his friends: Damn, fool, and revenge. 

With Chris balanced precariously, and holding on for dear life, Vin pushed the teetering and tottering contraption as the men were led on a merry chase following Buffalo as he moved through town, stopping to sniff something here or to relieve himself there. 

An audience quickly built, much to their dismay, and it was with a sigh of relief that Chris found himself deposited in front of the clinic, despite the climb ahead of him, as the remaining peacekeepers continued to follow the dog down the street, into an alley, and behind the saloon. 

"Perhaps I should step inside and make sure Senorita Recillos is not in distress and while there partake in a libation to quench my thirst.” 

“Yeah, right,” Buck snorted, rolling his eyes, giving the gambler a non-too-gentle shove in the other direction, “Buffalo’s headin’ that way, and so are you." 

Ezra stumbled almost falling into a sizable puddle of water left behind by the frequent showers, but gracefully avoided catastrophe as they once again were led on a merry chase by the prancing pup. 

Not all that far away, and still at the bottom of the stairs that led up to the clinic, Chris paused, looked down at his filthy clothes, then slowly turned, and looked longingly – to both Vin and Nathan’s amusement – across the street, to the bathhouse. 

Nathan looked at the bedraggled man and relented, saying, "Figure a good soak couldn't do you any harm; might actually be just what the doctor ordered.” 

It didn’t take long before Chris, having divested himself of his clothes, was submerged in hot water and closing his eyes in pure bliss. 

It was short lived as a bustling Buffalo bound through the door, evaded both Vin and Nathan, and landed with a resounding plop on top of the now far less than blissful gunslinger. 

Chris's "oomph" was accompanied by bubbles as the weight of the heavy dog pushed him under the water, and Larabee came up sputtering, and angrily trying to push Buffalo off his glistening bare chest. 

A second later, the door swung open again and Buck, Ezra and JD spilled into the room, followed at a more sedate pace by Josiah. 

"Did you know that the history of public baths began in Greece in the sixth century B.C.," the preacher related to no one in particular, totally ignoring the ensuing chaos. 

"Get out," Chris hissed, finally managing to 'help' Buffalo out of the tub, and causing Ezra to yelp in disgust as the dog proceeded to shake itself, sending a wide arcing spray of dog-scented bath water flying in all directions. 

As Chris climbed over the edge of the large tub, his assets on full display - along with his glare - Buffalo made a run for it, ignoring the bodies in his way, and knocking a totally surprised JD into the water. 

Attempting to avoid the resulting spray, and thus ending up drenched, Ezra jumped back bumping into the normally surefooted tracker causing both men to end up in a jumbled heap on the wet, slippery floor. 

“What just happened here?” Buck asked, unable to believe his eyes, as the still-dry members of their little group carefully removed themselves from the splash zone, and surveyed the other occupants of the drenched bathhouse in dismay. 

"Armageddon," Josiah stated with a chuckle, making sure to stay between Larabee and his gun in an attempt to prevent further carnage. 

"Would you kindly unhand me, Mr. Tanner," Ezra demanded as he attempted to stand, grabbing the edge of the tub when his feet threatened to slide out from under him, and almost butting heads with JD who sat, fully clothed, in the water, his mouth still open in silent shock. 

Quietly, his eyes clearly daring anyone, man or dog, to get in his way, Chris reached for a nearby towel, calm, cool, collected, and mere seconds away from grabbing his weapon and wreaking a little havoc of his own. 

"To act in haste is to regret at leisure," Josiah censured, earning himself a glare for his trouble, as Buffalo wisely gave the gunslinger a wide berth, sidling up to Buck and demanding his attention with a loud "Woof!" 

"Get that dog out of here," Nathan ordered, giving Buck a none too gentle shove toward the door, "and you, JD, get yourself out of that tub and out of them wet clothes 'fore you catch a chill." 

"Looks like yer gonna need one a' these, too," Vin commented with a smirk, carefully getting to his feet and tossing a towel in JD's direction. 

As JD started to strip off his wet clothes, beginning with his shirt and then his pants, Buck came to a stop, Buffalo beside him, and chuckled, asking, "JD, you want me to fetch you some clothes or are you planning to walk all the way back to your room wearing a smile?" 

More chuckles echoed around the room, even Chris managing a small grin - although if pressed, he would have denied it - at the younger man's dilemma. 

JD was now in a pickle since everyone knows that it is far easier to get out of wet clothes than to get back in, so he tried to buy some time with, "Since Nate was doing the ordering I figured I'd warm up in a hot tub while he collected my dry clothes." 

"Yeah, sure, kid," Buck tossed back over his shoulder as he finally managed to escort Buffalo out of the bathhouse, leaving JD behind, visibly blushing from head to toe. 

Still chuckling, Vin and Josiah filed out onto the street behind Buck, followed by Ezra, distractedly smoothing his pants, then tugging at his jacket as he attempted to restore both his composure and his dignity. 

"Chris, that leg a' yours is lookin' a bit swollen, so why don't we head up to the clinic so's I can take care of it," Nathan suggested, watching as Larabee quickly, but gingerly, tugged on his pants, slipped on his shirt, and then let his gunbelt hang over his shoulder. "Oh, and JD," Nathan added, to the still sheepish-looking young man, "I have to get Chris here some clean clothes, so I'll stop by your room and pick up some for you, too." 

"Gentleman, are we now prepared to give up this wild goose chase, release this creature, and retire to the saloon for some refreshment?" 

"Sounds good to me," Vin replied, then inclined his head toward the creature in question who stood before them; one ear up, one down, his tongue hanging out and his short stubby tail wagging as best it could, "but I'm thinkin' Buffalo might have other ideas." 

"Ol' Buck here needs to change his pants 'fore some permanent damage is done, if you know what I mean," Buck said, waggling his eyebrows, "and if I'm not mistaken, I see a lovely young lady that just might be willing to lend me a hand." 

As Chris hobbled toward the livery, and Nathan's clinic, he glanced back at the men in the middle of the street contemplating their furry friend and realized his plans for the day were officially shot; besides his leg did actually ache after their little adventure and perhaps rest (and a good book) were exactly what the doctor ordered. 

"Buffalo," the Potter boy ran across the street, threw his arms around the pup and looked up at the men, "you found him, you found him, thanks, mister." 

"Mystery solved," Ezra watched as the boy and dog ran happily down the street, "and now that the two have been reunited perhaps we might get that....wait....where is Mr. Wilmington?" 

"It would appear our friend is otherwise occupied," Josiah stated as the men turned to see the ladies' man swaggering off in the direction of one Miss Elisa Elwood. 

"After you, gentlemen," Ezra proclaimed, indicating his intentions with a sweeping motion of his arm, and falling in behind Josiah and Vin as they finally made their way toward the saloon. 

"There, that's lookin' better," Nathan observed as he stood back and watched Chris slip his freshly bathed and salved leg into a pair of clean pants, "just rest up here a while and you should be fit to join us later for drinks." 

A little peace and quiet sounded good to Chris, especially after the day he'd had, so he nodded in agreement before saying, "No need for you to stay, Nathan, I don't need company.” 

Nathan grabbed his hat and headed out the door determined not to worry about a stranded hen, or an overly energetic mutt, or even his unusually docile and cooperative patient, his mind on one thing and one thing only – a cool, refreshing beverage. 

Barrelling through the saloon doors, Nathan took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dim light, then made his way toward the Seven's customary table at the back of the room, where his friends were seated. 

Vin helpfully pushed a chair out for the healer and slid a beer in his direction before asking, "JD gonna join us?" 

It was at that moment that Nathan remembered JD was still in the bathhouse waiting for the promised clothes...or was he? 

Ah, but that's a tale for another time.


End file.
